Thursday, February 25, 2016

Surround


When I look back and think about Surround I realized that I felt so unlovable.  Tried to think about why?  Why did I feel so unlovable? I tried to figure out why I felt so compelled to surround myself with all the negative?  Being abused at a young age I didn't really know what to do.  As I have looked back I realized that I surrounded myself with the negative, as that is what I was showed.  

At the time, I never actually realized that is what I was doing.  I just thought that I was supposed to be surrounded by all of this.  I always asked God why.  Why did He want all of this bad to be in my life?

Even at church growing up, I watched kids make fun of me, teachers tell me I was to do this, the bible says to do that, yet they never did.  I married a man who abused me in every-way possible.  I was just so prone to surround myself with the negative.  I so wanted this all to change.  Never truly knowing where to go.  

Between 1994 - 2011 when my 2nd marriage came to an end, I had good moments, yet in my mind the negative thoughts still surrounded my life.  I did not know how to make them go away.  I wanted to be happy and have what I always believed.  "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son.  That who ever believes in him shall have everlasting life."  - John 3:16.  

I believed it then and still do. 

After the marriage ended,  I again surrounded myself with the negative.  I finally had to get tired of being surrounded by this negative.  In 2012, I started down a path of depression, but was  not truly aware of how deep or long this would go.  This continued until 2014.  

From 2013 - end of 2014, I surrounded myself with the Lord.  The depression never went away.  Things were still negative, however, I was not letting go.  Finally the end was to end.  Three years of depression was enough.  I promised God in December of 2014 that I was not going to let depression stick around.  I would not be surrounded by the negative any longer.  I was all HisI was surrendering myself to Him and would be obedient and do what ever He asked of me.  

The year 2015 brought many different trials and negativity, and the depression was just trying to come back. But the Lord sent me to Israel in October 2015.  What an amazing trip.  I have taken depression and kicked it out the door!

I still have times when negativity tries to get back in. But I remember that I am surrounded by the Lord. I know that those who judge me, those who think negatively about me, they may continue to do so.  

I have done nothing but surround myself in God. The happiness that I feel I do not deserve? I do deserve it and I have it.   

I know that no matter when I was surrounded by negativity, I was surrounded by the Lord. 

This is how I felt for so many years:
For troubles surround me -- to many to count! My sins pile up so high I can't see my way out. They outnumber the hairs on my head. I have lost all courage. (Psalms 40:12)  
I am surrounded by mockers. I watch how bitterly they taunt me. (Job 17:2)
But now I know that when I feel surrounded by negativity, I am not alone for God is:
For you are my hiding place; you protect me from trouble. You surround me with songs of victory. (Psalms 32:27)

I am linking up with Karen at Tuesday at Ten

http://www.findingthegracewithin.com/tuesdayatten/