Thursday, September 29, 2016

The First Steps!

I sat on the floor with an encouraging smile on my face, "come on you can do it, you can."  As he looks back at me with this glow in his eyes and a giggle in his voice.  His arms reach out in front of him and that right foot took that first step!  "I knew you could do it, you are such a big boy"  I told my 9 month old son, Benjamin.

I will never forget the look on his face as he took that first step.  He knew he had just made me smile at the same time I started that level of "you can do it"  I always taught him that.  Never would I have dreamed how much that first step truly would mean to anyone.

Now, again I sit on the floor with the encouraging smile on my face, "come on you can do it, that's it"  as my second son, Zhan took his first step!  His smile from ear to ear and a look of  "I did it" and he tried it again.  Another step in my life I will never forget. 

I am so proud of my boys and all the steps they have taken in their lives.  Some not so good and some just amazing.  That is how life works right?  We make a choice that may not have been the best, and what do we do?.... we pick up our feet and take another step in another direction.

I keep putting on foot in front of the other as well.  "I love Santa Claus is Coming to Town"  who would have thought that putting that foot in front of the other would lead to a feeling of rejection!!  I lived being rejected for more than half my life, by what seemed like everyone that ever came into it, except my kids of course.  It bothered me, yet I don't know that it did as much as it should have.  See in "my" world I felt I had the best thing ever......that's right my children, they are the light of my life. There is nothing they can do to make me think differently.   I use to joke with my ex-husband and boys that once they turned 16 they could get their drivers license have it for a short period of time, than I was going to put them into this time machine and make them babies.  This way they would each get to take turns at being the oldest and I would never have to let them leave.

Many years later I have realized those thought only lead me into a state of depression, for more years than I want to remember.  The last 3 were the worst.  I can't recall every thinking I would be able to over come the "state of depression".

I finally decided in January 2015 as I sit on my living room floor and said "Lord, I am taking this next step and completely surrendering to you.   I never thought that I would or could receive such an  amazing life changing gift.

Today I have spent the whole day writing this. I have truly been dealing with rejection in so many ways.  God keeps putting this verse out of Romans in my head.  As I am trying to research something completely different he keeps side tracking me.  He pointed out

My son, give me your heart and let your eyes delight in my ways,                                 Proverbs 23:26 (NIV)

I can only imagine the look on my Father's face as he continued to encourage me to make that amazing step to follow him.  I know I wear a smile on my face each and every day.  Each and every day my Father reminds me that he loves me and that no matter what happens he will always love me.

Today as I thought of how my sons and how life is at this moment, how others only want to continue to look at the many steps from my past my father reassures me with this

When life seems dark I turn to the Lord, he is the only light that I need.  I am overwhelmed with joy in the Lord my God!

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